The Distinguished Primate beard oils
DISTINGUISHED PRIMATE
BEARD OIL — EST. MMXXVI

For the distinguished primate.

Beard oil blended in small batches in Buford, Georgia, and issued to members of the club. Each bottle bears the likeness of its patron.

ORDER ON ETSY MEET THE MEMBERS
FOUR INGREDIENTS*
You can pronounce all of them.
BATCH-DATED
Every bottle is dated. Ours was blended this season, not last year in a warehouse.
SEALED TWICE
Shrink band plus a sealed bag. It arrives the way it left.
VEGAN · CRUELTY-FREE
Plant oils only. (Beard oils only.)
VETERAN OWNED
Family run in Buford, Georgia, USA.
* The Foreman. Scented members add their essential oil.
THE MEMBERS

Introductions are in order.

The Foreman beard oil
01

The Foreman

GORILLA IN A NEWSBOY CAPFRAGRANCE-FREE

“Never raised his voice. Never had to.”

No scent at all. A soft beard and comfortable skin underneath.
INGREDIENTS Sweet almond, golden jojoba, argan*, vitamin E.
*certified organic
2 FL OZ · $23.99
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The Barrister beard oil
02

The Barrister

ORANGUTAN IN A BOWLER HATCEDARWOOD

“Doesn't argue. Waits to be proven right.”

Dry, woody cedarwood. Real essential oil, nothing synthetic.
INGREDIENTS The Foreman's four, plus cedarwood oil.
2 FL OZ · $23.99
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The Rapscallion beard oil
03

The Rapscallion

CAPUCHIN IN A TOP HATBAY RUM

“Expelled from three gentlemen's clubs. Founded this one.”

The old barbershop classic, built from real bay leaf, clove and orange. Contains no rum, and never did.
INGREDIENTS The Foreman's four, plus bay, clove and orange oils.
2 FL OZ · $23.99
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The Gadabout beard oil
04

The Gadabout

LONG-TAILED MACAQUE IN A STRAW BOATERSANDALWOOD

“Has never once checked the time.”

JOINING THE CLUB SOON
The Suitor beard oil
05

The Suitor

GIBBON IN WHITE TIEAMBER VANILLA

“Every mother approves. Every father worries.”

JOINING THE CLUB SOON
THE STAFF — BEARD BALM
The Valet beard balm tin

The Valet

HOUSE BLEND

“Has seen every member at his worst. Repeats nothing.”

The finishing layer: a little hold, a lot of polish. He has his own warm scent from cocoa butter and beeswax, so he pairs with every member's oil.

NET WT 2 OZ (56 g) · $21.99
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ORDERING

Joining the Club

Oils $23.99 · The Valet $21.99 · Free shipping over $35
Every order includes a free sample of the month's guest member and a Meet the Club card.
2 oz lasts four to eight months of daily use, about 15¢ a day.
THE PAIR
Any Two Oils — $43.99, ships free.
Two members, any combination. The usual choice for gifts.
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MEMBER + STAFF
One Oil + The Valet — $41.99, ships free.
Choose your member; the Valet finishes him. The balm pairs with every oil in the club.
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APPLICATION

How to Use

3–5 drops for a short beard, up to a full dropper for a big one. Work it into the skin underneath first. The skin is the point, and soft hair is the side effect. That's why we use a dropper and not a pump.

A gentleman's scent is discovered at conversation distance, never announced across the room. If you smell it all day, you've used too much.

ABOUT THE CLUB

Old manners, new company.

Distinguished Primate is a family operation in Buford, Georgia: a US military veteran blending oil in small batches, with his daughters learning the trade and taking over more of it every year. What we have is a kitchen scale, a batch log, and a family name on every handwritten thank-you note.

© 2026 Distinguished PrimateOrders fulfilled via Etsy
Blended & bottled in small batches in Buford, Georgia. Contains tree nut oils (almond, argan). For external use only. Scented oils: new to it? Patch test first. Distinguished Primate LLC